So I've been thinking. As usual. But lately it's been about music. And politeness and decency. Why do people worry more about themselves than anyone else? I personally stopped doing that ages ago and have started focusing on the feelings of other people. I've started to hold doors for other people, buy things for others as a surprise and getting the joy back from them, made a few new friends, saying thank you and sir and m'am, politely smiling at others, try to walk with a smile (or at least not look pissed off or upset), etc. It's made a difference in me. I find others to be far more polite in return and it just gets you farther in life... to not fret so much. Go with the flow... Hakuna Matata. I run those through my head often. Cheesy, but they work.
Now music. UGhhhhh I would literally have shot myself ages ago without it. I owe my life to music. I become a bitch without it. You can tell on my days when I've not listened to any at all. It's my head balancer. Emotion balancer. It's my own personal rock. OHH and my furry little baby Mew. AKA Mewmers, Moo Moo, Mewmus Maximus... yes, I have lots of names for her. And I wouldn't trade her for a million bucks. Or billion...
I miss my little sisters. Emma and Shelby. Soon hopefully I will have a car and I can make them a bigger part of my life. I feel good still knowing that they do still love their "Sister Rachel". I think about them often and brag to people about how smart they are. I would jump in front of a bullet for them in a heartbeat and I only wish I'd have found out about them sooner. By the way, thanks Dad, I'm glad you told me about them.
OHH wait what was that? I forgot, YOU didn't fucking tell me, Grandma Cindy did... the same day she told me my aunt had breast cancer. It was Emma's birthday and she told me she was going to be there in about an hour. I was so scared, I looked like crap! HAH. But I was sooo excited, I'd always wanted a little sister. I love my big brother, Matt, too pieces, so much more than I can explain, but we didn't quite get along as well when I was younger. Now Vesna. She isn't blood. But she's my little twin. Looks damn near like me only cuter. Smarter than anyone of her age. Thinks the same, same personality, same everything. We are each other :) I could marry her as a friend and we'd never divorce.
Friends? Who do we consider a friend nowadays? All I have are people I see at school and a few I may or may not occasionally a few times a month outside of school. I have no car. I go to college. Live in this crappy one bedroom apartment. Great life, aye? Social? I'm definitely a social butterfly, but it's hard to spread your wings when those wings cost gas money which is now increasing and won't be going down. Wings= Money.
But I try to create my own wings. Through once again, music, and my pussy... cat. Mew. She listens and doesn't sass me. Well.. she does but her mews are so cute I forgive her. She talks to me back. And greets me when I get home by stretching at my feet and mewing.
I used to read a lot to take my mind off things. But I sort of stopped after Grandma Cindy's passing. It's harder to focus to read without her. I miss sitting with her late at night into the early mornings during the summer just reading. She was the only person that could ever stay up so late with me. We'd eat cookie dough and just talk and watch Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. Deep conversations... I'd tell her things no one else would hear of. She'd ALWAYS understand. She may not like some of it, but she'd get my point of view every time. And never judged me. Not once. She was able to keep me calm. Helped me with anger issues. Helped me realize that life isn't really so bad unless you MAKE it bad. Think more about the positive. Force it. It helps. Grow up with a shitty life? Fix it. Make it better. There's always room for improvement, but it takes effort. And WANT. Aspiration. As most of you probably know, I have my second tattoo in memory of her. I was determined to get it, no one could have stopped me. A sunflower with her name and date of birth and death on a ribbon wrapped around the stem and a blue jay at the bottom. She'd love it. I love it... she loved blue jays and I know she loved sunflowers. I miss walking through her garden with her when I was little. It was so big and covered most of her backyard, broccoli and all. She'd have her summer dress on :) Thinking of her makes me so sad, but happy if I really think about HER. It's like putting my mind into a nice fresh open pasture. I can breathe. I fucking miss you grandma...
I'm sick of the people in life that just try and bring everyone down. Not one good thing to say about our damned world. People survived long ago happily without the things we have. We have more and what do we humans do? We bitch more >_< everyone does it, even me, but at least I realize it. Why? >_< UGH. Ever watch Blue Lagoon? I mean they were as happy as they could be (with occasional human arguing naturally). I don't know. I just wanted to rant for the night. Not everything I'm thinking must be said.
PS- Earth... I fucking love you. Thank you for having air for me to breathe and animals for me to enjoy. Fresh water. Soil for food. I wouldn't be here without you :3
