So I've been thinking. As usual. But lately it's been about music. And politeness and decency. Why do people worry more about themselves than anyone else? I personally stopped doing that ages ago and have started focusing on the feelings of other people. I've started to hold doors for other people, buy things for others as a surprise and getting the joy back from them, made a few new friends, saying thank you and sir and m'am, politely smiling at others, try to walk with a smile (or at least not look pissed off or upset), etc. It's made a difference in me. I find others to be far more polite in return and it just gets you farther in life... to not fret so much. Go with the flow... Hakuna Matata. I run those through my head often. Cheesy, but they work.
Now music. UGhhhhh I would literally have shot myself ages ago without it. I owe my life to music. I become a bitch without it. You can tell on my days when I've not listened to any at all. It's my head balancer. Emotion balancer. It's my own personal rock. OHH and my furry little baby Mew. AKA Mewmers, Moo Moo, Mewmus Maximus... yes, I have lots of names for her. And I wouldn't trade her for a million bucks. Or billion...
I miss my little sisters. Emma and Shelby. Soon hopefully I will have a car and I can make them a bigger part of my life. I feel good still knowing that they do still love their "Sister Rachel". I think about them often and brag to people about how smart they are. I would jump in front of a bullet for them in a heartbeat and I only wish I'd have found out about them sooner. By the way, thanks Dad, I'm glad you told me about them.
OHH wait what was that? I forgot, YOU didn't fucking tell me, Grandma Cindy did... the same day she told me my aunt had breast cancer. It was Emma's birthday and she told me she was going to be there in about an hour. I was so scared, I looked like crap! HAH. But I was sooo excited, I'd always wanted a little sister. I love my big brother, Matt, too pieces, so much more than I can explain, but we didn't quite get along as well when I was younger. Now Vesna. She isn't blood. But she's my little twin. Looks damn near like me only cuter. Smarter than anyone of her age. Thinks the same, same personality, same everything. We are each other :) I could marry her as a friend and we'd never divorce.
Friends? Who do we consider a friend nowadays? All I have are people I see at school and a few I may or may not occasionally a few times a month outside of school. I have no car. I go to college. Live in this crappy one bedroom apartment. Great life, aye? Social? I'm definitely a social butterfly, but it's hard to spread your wings when those wings cost gas money which is now increasing and won't be going down. Wings= Money.
But I try to create my own wings. Through once again, music, and my pussy... cat. Mew. She listens and doesn't sass me. Well.. she does but her mews are so cute I forgive her. She talks to me back. And greets me when I get home by stretching at my feet and mewing.
I used to read a lot to take my mind off things. But I sort of stopped after Grandma Cindy's passing. It's harder to focus to read without her. I miss sitting with her late at night into the early mornings during the summer just reading. She was the only person that could ever stay up so late with me. We'd eat cookie dough and just talk and watch Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. Deep conversations... I'd tell her things no one else would hear of. She'd ALWAYS understand. She may not like some of it, but she'd get my point of view every time. And never judged me. Not once. She was able to keep me calm. Helped me with anger issues. Helped me realize that life isn't really so bad unless you MAKE it bad. Think more about the positive. Force it. It helps. Grow up with a shitty life? Fix it. Make it better. There's always room for improvement, but it takes effort. And WANT. Aspiration. As most of you probably know, I have my second tattoo in memory of her. I was determined to get it, no one could have stopped me. A sunflower with her name and date of birth and death on a ribbon wrapped around the stem and a blue jay at the bottom. She'd love it. I love it... she loved blue jays and I know she loved sunflowers. I miss walking through her garden with her when I was little. It was so big and covered most of her backyard, broccoli and all. She'd have her summer dress on :) Thinking of her makes me so sad, but happy if I really think about HER. It's like putting my mind into a nice fresh open pasture. I can breathe. I fucking miss you grandma...
I'm sick of the people in life that just try and bring everyone down. Not one good thing to say about our damned world. People survived long ago happily without the things we have. We have more and what do we humans do? We bitch more >_< everyone does it, even me, but at least I realize it. Why? >_< UGH. Ever watch Blue Lagoon? I mean they were as happy as they could be (with occasional human arguing naturally). I don't know. I just wanted to rant for the night. Not everything I'm thinking must be said.
PS- Earth... I fucking love you. Thank you for having air for me to breathe and animals for me to enjoy. Fresh water. Soil for food. I wouldn't be here without you :3
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
No Title Possible.
My hardships and all the feelings I've felt throughout my life and continue to feel are almost impossible to describe, but I will do my best for those who are interested. And the ones who aren't... fuck off :)
From being born until I was about seven, my life was perfectly fine. After turning seven, shit started rapidly going downhill for me. It started when I was at my grandmother's house playing with my cousin. He always played with me and would twirl me around in the air like a plane. Then one of the days, the playing turned into more. He had dragged me under the bed and touched me. Inappropriately I might add. I was screaming and crying, but there was a lot of people over and no one heard. Once I finally got away, I had tried to tell people and none of my family listened to me except for one person.. and that was my grandma Cindy. She didn't even get my cousin to admit the fact he had molested me until I was 14. The second bad event that year was my parent's divorce. My brother and I had already known it was coming, but having to see my mother the way that she was... I didn't know what to do. I remember trying to be a good kid and feeding the cats (in which I fell off the washing machine and broke my tail bone trying to get it since the bag of cat food was much larger than me) and I'd burnt myself multiple times trying to make pancakes for her. Anything to get her to stop crying. I'd run to the store and get 7Up and crackers for her. Then a few months later, we moved to Tennessee where we lived in a living hell hole for 9 years. I had grandparents that I know loved me, but did everything except show it. My brother and I were constantly told to our faces that we should just go to hell and how we should have never been born. I started cooking for myself and doing things on my own. We weren't allowed to shower whenever we want to, our limit was about 2 or 3 times a week in only in 5 to 10 minute periods or else the water would be turned off or switched to severely cold by my grandfather. My mother was usually gone with friends or out working. My aunt (mom's sister) had children in which I pretty much started raising on my own with occasional help from my grandmother. I HATED the school there (I started my 4th grade year) and everyone hated me since I was 'uncool' because I didn't have the money to wear American Eagle and all the cool designer clothes, nor was I considered 'pretty' with my shit brown hair and stupid ugly freckles. My brother and I had always fought since I was little, but after living in TN in that house for awhile, we got closer and closer all the time. We knew we needed each other. The house was 3 bedrooms, but my aunt had lived there with the boys too, so there was a room for my grandparents, a room for my aunt, and then a room for the boys. My brother slept on a mattress on the living room floor while my mother and I had to sleep on the couches. We also had to get up at the crack of dawn like my grandfather did or else he'd just blast the TV up anyway. Or throw ice cold water on you. Or the boys would come and pull my hair and climb all over me. My grandparents would stash food for themselves and the boys in their closet. The rest that was in the kitchen would have names written all over it by my aunt and such. I pretty much had to live off of macaroni and cheese.
My brother eventually bought his first car and was able to go out with his friends and get away. In turn, I ended up being in that hell pit by myself getting yelled at and listening to bitching 24/7. I made decent grades in school, but my social life never got better. People still picked on me and I had no true friends. Not even one. I relied on music, books, & video games to keep me sane. This went on until I was 14/15. I finally got to the point where I was so depressed and given up, either I was getting the fuck out of there or it would be the end of me and I'd just end it right there and then. I talked to my brother about it and he agreed with me. We moved together back here to Missouri. He went to stay with my father while I stayed with my great grandmother. A few months later, my mother came up after us and stayed with my grandma and I.
I'm stopping my story at that point. But I still have more to say. There is no way to describe me. I've been diagnosed with major anxiety issues, bipolar, and mild depression. My mood is NEVER stable. One moment I'm happy as hell and the next I'm ready to jump off a cliff for no reason. My emotions stick out like neon colors. If I'm having even partially a good day, I can seem so happy. The same goes if I'm having a crappy day. I have slight anger issues. I can see the sun in the middle of a tornado, yet watch the rain during the brightest, sunniest skies. I have done and seen things that no one my age (currently 18) should ever have to be through. My best friend is my kitty cat, Mew. I had helped my neighbor's cat (in TN) give birth to her and she ended up being the only kitten. I immediately took claim to her. I brought her with me from TN when my brother and I moved. I spoil her all day everyday and wouldn't have it any other way. I can tell her anything, even my deepest darkest secrets only shared between she and I. I know she loves me back and claims me as her mommy. She can give me something no one else can and I adore her so much for that and I wouldn't give her away for the world. I'm a rather independent person and I hate it when I can't do something myself. I hate asking for help even when I know I need it. I used to try my hardest to play superwoman and found out quickly it doesn't work that way. I used to be way more aggressive than I am now, though I'm still about 500 pounds of dynamite in this little body and I have a sharper tongue than you could handle. I've been training my mind since I was 7 and in all of these years, I've made really good progress but will always continue to work at it. I've become more polite to people around me, even when they're rude back. I feel better everyday when I do something good for someone else, even if I don't know them. I go out of my way to say excuse me, to help people with more groceries than their house can hold, to say thank you for even the smallest good deeds people do for me. I have done enough things (good and bad) to understand pretty much anything anyone tells me. I'm VERY protective over those I care about. I have a LOT of street smarts. When I see children being picked on, I'm the person that steps in and tells them to knock it off, for there is no good reason for a fight to occur, yet I will do my best to put the pricks in their place (and I'm good at it, trust me).
I dropped out of high school on my 17th birthday. I took a lot of shit for it, everyone thought I would just be lazy and turn into a worthless pathetic typical teenage drop-out. But I already had everything planned. The next week after I dropped, I enrolled in Webster GED school. I spent only a few weeks there before I was told by my teacher that I was ready for my test. (She loved me, I was her favorite student since she understood my plans and knew how fucking smart I was.) I signed up for my GED and ACT tests at MWSU. I scored a 2790 on my GED and only a 22 on my ACT. But regardless, I got my ass in college on my own. I'm now in the beginning of my third semester. I'm majoring in Art and getting my BFA with an emphasis in Photography. So all those people and teachers and the principal that had no faith in me: FUCK YOU. None of you even deserve to be in my fucking presence, you apparently don't know a damn thing about me. I'm more determined that I can even explain when it's something I really want to do. If I say I'll do it, I'll fucking do it. I think it's funny how now when I see some of the kids from my school at MWSU, they try and talk to me like I'm their best friend. Hell no, HEY, DO you NOT remember that time you ignored me and hated talking to me and wouldn't let me sit with you at lunch because I looked 'different'? Ohhh right, but now that you know I'm not a bloody fucktard, you want to be my best friend and call me 'beautiful'??? I also like how the people that make fun of the way I look come back a week later trying to mimic my looks. I just don't understand the human species. I believe in Mark Twain's The Lowest Animal essay. I feel ashamed to be considered human, by the way that the majority of us act now days. Common sense seems to be harder and harder to find every day. I don't feel eighteen any whatsoever. I feel like an old wise lady in this cute small little body. I'm pretty sure if I could pick any song to describe the way I feel sometimes, would be I'm Just a Girl - By No Doubt.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=484RVVHyrxs
Okay, now that I've choked you with a million words and made you more bored than you were to begin with, I shall go. And no refunds on the 20 minutes I just wasted of your life, but I may give you a free block of cheese if you like this.
No panhandling they say it isn't a job, oh but I disagree ya ignorant slob
But there may come a day when your found down and out and the hateful replies
Will fill ya with doubt. Ya might be a skinhead ya might be a punk
Just give us some quarters so we can get drunk
Thank you for shoppin' and please come again.
From being born until I was about seven, my life was perfectly fine. After turning seven, shit started rapidly going downhill for me. It started when I was at my grandmother's house playing with my cousin. He always played with me and would twirl me around in the air like a plane. Then one of the days, the playing turned into more. He had dragged me under the bed and touched me. Inappropriately I might add. I was screaming and crying, but there was a lot of people over and no one heard. Once I finally got away, I had tried to tell people and none of my family listened to me except for one person.. and that was my grandma Cindy. She didn't even get my cousin to admit the fact he had molested me until I was 14. The second bad event that year was my parent's divorce. My brother and I had already known it was coming, but having to see my mother the way that she was... I didn't know what to do. I remember trying to be a good kid and feeding the cats (in which I fell off the washing machine and broke my tail bone trying to get it since the bag of cat food was much larger than me) and I'd burnt myself multiple times trying to make pancakes for her. Anything to get her to stop crying. I'd run to the store and get 7Up and crackers for her. Then a few months later, we moved to Tennessee where we lived in a living hell hole for 9 years. I had grandparents that I know loved me, but did everything except show it. My brother and I were constantly told to our faces that we should just go to hell and how we should have never been born. I started cooking for myself and doing things on my own. We weren't allowed to shower whenever we want to, our limit was about 2 or 3 times a week in only in 5 to 10 minute periods or else the water would be turned off or switched to severely cold by my grandfather. My mother was usually gone with friends or out working. My aunt (mom's sister) had children in which I pretty much started raising on my own with occasional help from my grandmother. I HATED the school there (I started my 4th grade year) and everyone hated me since I was 'uncool' because I didn't have the money to wear American Eagle and all the cool designer clothes, nor was I considered 'pretty' with my shit brown hair and stupid ugly freckles. My brother and I had always fought since I was little, but after living in TN in that house for awhile, we got closer and closer all the time. We knew we needed each other. The house was 3 bedrooms, but my aunt had lived there with the boys too, so there was a room for my grandparents, a room for my aunt, and then a room for the boys. My brother slept on a mattress on the living room floor while my mother and I had to sleep on the couches. We also had to get up at the crack of dawn like my grandfather did or else he'd just blast the TV up anyway. Or throw ice cold water on you. Or the boys would come and pull my hair and climb all over me. My grandparents would stash food for themselves and the boys in their closet. The rest that was in the kitchen would have names written all over it by my aunt and such. I pretty much had to live off of macaroni and cheese.
My brother eventually bought his first car and was able to go out with his friends and get away. In turn, I ended up being in that hell pit by myself getting yelled at and listening to bitching 24/7. I made decent grades in school, but my social life never got better. People still picked on me and I had no true friends. Not even one. I relied on music, books, & video games to keep me sane. This went on until I was 14/15. I finally got to the point where I was so depressed and given up, either I was getting the fuck out of there or it would be the end of me and I'd just end it right there and then. I talked to my brother about it and he agreed with me. We moved together back here to Missouri. He went to stay with my father while I stayed with my great grandmother. A few months later, my mother came up after us and stayed with my grandma and I.
I'm stopping my story at that point. But I still have more to say. There is no way to describe me. I've been diagnosed with major anxiety issues, bipolar, and mild depression. My mood is NEVER stable. One moment I'm happy as hell and the next I'm ready to jump off a cliff for no reason. My emotions stick out like neon colors. If I'm having even partially a good day, I can seem so happy. The same goes if I'm having a crappy day. I have slight anger issues. I can see the sun in the middle of a tornado, yet watch the rain during the brightest, sunniest skies. I have done and seen things that no one my age (currently 18) should ever have to be through. My best friend is my kitty cat, Mew. I had helped my neighbor's cat (in TN) give birth to her and she ended up being the only kitten. I immediately took claim to her. I brought her with me from TN when my brother and I moved. I spoil her all day everyday and wouldn't have it any other way. I can tell her anything, even my deepest darkest secrets only shared between she and I. I know she loves me back and claims me as her mommy. She can give me something no one else can and I adore her so much for that and I wouldn't give her away for the world. I'm a rather independent person and I hate it when I can't do something myself. I hate asking for help even when I know I need it. I used to try my hardest to play superwoman and found out quickly it doesn't work that way. I used to be way more aggressive than I am now, though I'm still about 500 pounds of dynamite in this little body and I have a sharper tongue than you could handle. I've been training my mind since I was 7 and in all of these years, I've made really good progress but will always continue to work at it. I've become more polite to people around me, even when they're rude back. I feel better everyday when I do something good for someone else, even if I don't know them. I go out of my way to say excuse me, to help people with more groceries than their house can hold, to say thank you for even the smallest good deeds people do for me. I have done enough things (good and bad) to understand pretty much anything anyone tells me. I'm VERY protective over those I care about. I have a LOT of street smarts. When I see children being picked on, I'm the person that steps in and tells them to knock it off, for there is no good reason for a fight to occur, yet I will do my best to put the pricks in their place (and I'm good at it, trust me).
I dropped out of high school on my 17th birthday. I took a lot of shit for it, everyone thought I would just be lazy and turn into a worthless pathetic typical teenage drop-out. But I already had everything planned. The next week after I dropped, I enrolled in Webster GED school. I spent only a few weeks there before I was told by my teacher that I was ready for my test. (She loved me, I was her favorite student since she understood my plans and knew how fucking smart I was.) I signed up for my GED and ACT tests at MWSU. I scored a 2790 on my GED and only a 22 on my ACT. But regardless, I got my ass in college on my own. I'm now in the beginning of my third semester. I'm majoring in Art and getting my BFA with an emphasis in Photography. So all those people and teachers and the principal that had no faith in me: FUCK YOU. None of you even deserve to be in my fucking presence, you apparently don't know a damn thing about me. I'm more determined that I can even explain when it's something I really want to do. If I say I'll do it, I'll fucking do it. I think it's funny how now when I see some of the kids from my school at MWSU, they try and talk to me like I'm their best friend. Hell no, HEY, DO you NOT remember that time you ignored me and hated talking to me and wouldn't let me sit with you at lunch because I looked 'different'? Ohhh right, but now that you know I'm not a bloody fucktard, you want to be my best friend and call me 'beautiful'??? I also like how the people that make fun of the way I look come back a week later trying to mimic my looks. I just don't understand the human species. I believe in Mark Twain's The Lowest Animal essay. I feel ashamed to be considered human, by the way that the majority of us act now days. Common sense seems to be harder and harder to find every day. I don't feel eighteen any whatsoever. I feel like an old wise lady in this cute small little body. I'm pretty sure if I could pick any song to describe the way I feel sometimes, would be I'm Just a Girl - By No Doubt.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=484RVVHyrxs
Okay, now that I've choked you with a million words and made you more bored than you were to begin with, I shall go. And no refunds on the 20 minutes I just wasted of your life, but I may give you a free block of cheese if you like this.
No panhandling they say it isn't a job, oh but I disagree ya ignorant slob
But there may come a day when your found down and out and the hateful replies
Will fill ya with doubt. Ya might be a skinhead ya might be a punk
Just give us some quarters so we can get drunk
Thank you for shoppin' and please come again.
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